My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
