I'll bet she douches with gravy.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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