It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Couch. On fire.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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