All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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