bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
