Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
