I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
