We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
