I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
