She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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