she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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