I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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