dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
