Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
