I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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