Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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