Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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