i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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