I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
