Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
