why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
