I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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