he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
