im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
