I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
