The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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