I want to walk on stilts...naked
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
