1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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