I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
