I look better un-naked...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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