textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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