At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you had me at cake vodka
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
