You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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