I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
did i walk over a car last night?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
