well I can't set my house on fire every night
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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