Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
