my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
