okay pat passed out under dana's car
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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