I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I touched a dick in church today
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
