Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
it was like having sex with a tree stump
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Someone signed my nipple.
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