Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Pooping to opera.
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