Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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