i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
