The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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