you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
