Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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