I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
