I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
