i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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