There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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