I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
