Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
